Ever had one of those nights?

24 02 2010
You know the ones – the ones where you are deadly tired and dreaming of sleep and you cuddle in under the covers and snuggle into the cool side of your pillow…
and then you revisit every error you’ve ever made in your humble life, replay those awkward conversations, tease yourselves with what should have beens, chew yourself out over missed opportunities, squirm in embarrassment over past slip-ups, wonder if you really are such a waste of space as you seem sometimes and terribly horrid to everyone and just totally not someone anyone would like to know…
and then you wonder if you’ve always been horrid and people have just been putting up with you for all this time but secretly breathing VAST and lengthy sighs of relief when you leave, wiping their brows and saying, “Well, thank god that’s over for now…” And before long you start thinking that probably no one likes you and wasn’t it true that even the dog preferred everyone else and no wonder because you are so foolish, remember that time when you did thus and so…
And after such stripping down you are fully awake and fed up with your own company and you think, geez, if only I weren’t so lazy I’d get myself up and head out to a bar somewhere and drink myself into some friends, but I’m too lazy, and so you beat yourself up for that for a while.
Then all the acid in your stomach sends you out to the kitchen for a snack and another self-directed rant about how of course you have nothing healthy or decent to eat at your place because you are just too slovenly to do things properly, so you morosely chew on a banana and dream of chocolate?
And as you chew you look down at your stomach and run a rueful hand over it and think about how much you really need to exercise and hey, what’s stopping you , I mean geez, there’s a gym right next door and you haven’t darkened the door except when you got the introductory tour and there is really no excuse as it’s not like you are doing anything important with the rest of your life anyway…
And then you think longingly of the past and how much better it was when…but that throws you into another round of work memories that remain negative no matter how you try to reason with yourself…
And before long you start thinking about the expenses for eating and drinking and exercising and how you wish you could afford to do all of those things in a place where the breeze is warm and salty and the water is blue blue blue, but of course you can’t afford to do a trip longer than one to the grocery store next door to buy paper parasols for your water because you are too broke and have never learned how to manage money and how you wish you had any skill you could apply to a part of your life other than your ability to writhe in bed…

Ever have one of those nights?

Saturday, 05 December 2009 at 23:51 | Edit noteDelete
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