Egad.

I’ve been told for some time that I’m a flighty gal, given to lack of commitment, flowing like the wind.  Lately, the noise is louder, now that I am thinking of moving far away, to the Maritimes, instead of being a good boring person and staying in one place. This is beginning to really get on my nerves. Being told you are flighty, at 52, kindof leaves you the vision of the White Queen, hair blown every which way, not able to make decisions or choose consciously, just buffeted by chance and one’s own stupidity.

They base their evaluation on 1. the fact I left a 23 year-long loveless marriage. 2. The fact I changed jobs often, not understanding that in my field I had to do so to advance, and that I managed such advance in a scant 9 years from temp worker to advanced management  – while finishing a degree and parenting in my spare time. 3. The fact I haven’t found my heart’s desire yet, and so keep searching. 4. The fact I’ve moved fairly frequently since I left my marriage, whereas my ex has stayed securely in the marital home.

I, on the other hand, think that staying in the same job for years and years and years is stagnating and boring, living in the same town for years is mind dulling, and staying in a marriage where all one can muster is a tired hello is death-dealing. To be fair, most of them agree, when it comes to their lives. They just don’t see it as valid for me.

I feel cranky and judged, by people who don’t walk in my shoes. I don’t judge them! I don’t say to them “Geez, you’ve lived here for how long? Wow.  How dull.” or “Don’t you have any imagination?” or “Geez, why’d you settle for him, or her, or that?” I know they find what makes them comfortable, as I must do.

I don’t rant at them about their need to put roots down, when I concentrate on the flowering. We all have different lives, different ways of approaching the challenges given us. My parents have been gone forever, it seems. My mum died 20 years ago, my dad 25.  Surely that has an effect. I was dealt a blow with a diagnosis of MS two years ago – that gives me a very real framework on which to pin my probable next years. Despite these things, and the healing from the hurt the marriage loss caused me, I think I haven’t done too badly for myself. I am generally cheerful, try to help where I can, support others when I remember – you know, like all of us.

So stop judging me, right when I am reaching a goal! Maybe, maybe, when I get to Nova Scotia, I may find out that it isn’t as perfect as I thought it would be. Maybe, after a few years, I’ll be ready for other challenges. I don’t know, though.  Every time I step into the Province, a singing starts in my veins. It may not be a perfect place, but it may be just right for me. For now.

Change = growth = change.