I’ve always liked gawking at those tiny houses online – so sweet! So perfect! So tidy and small and cute! How I’d love one, I think.

I wallow, again, in my insane self-delusion. I’d love a tiny house – for about ten minutes. I’d love it in the summer, where the great outdoors was easily tolerable and filled with life. Maybe even in the spring and fall, the warmer bits.

The idea of being in a caravan, light-footed and agile, appeals to me in various seasons, but never more so than now, when I feel trapped inside by a combination of cold, snow, ice, new knees, and you know, pure laziness.

Imagine a tiny house now….or say in DC today…

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See, for me that just feels like hell. Cozy for a bit, but then I’d start snarling at the walls and dig myself out.

Of course, until lately (like last night, as I lay awake wondering what my post yesterday was all about when I have everything I could possibly want here and should just stop complaining about my wonderful life), it hasn’t occurred to me that my restlessness and desire for open spaces, changes, and such happens EVERY YEAR AT THIS TIME.

I like to think I am a bright woman. I like to think I have a smattering of self-perception. But this hit me like a bolt out of the sky. See, when I get my SAD symptoms, I eat badly, which throws my system out of whack, which makes me feel worse, which makes me eat worse, and so on. I drink too much, I eat sugar and suck back coffee, I avoid exercise, I just generally mess myself up. And then I realize this is no way to live and straighten myself out, around March. But in the meantime, I usually have done something foolish like booked expensive travel I can’t afford or plan to move to a different place, or whatever. It’s insanity and I am posting this now so that next year when I am feeling blue and restless in my delightful apartment in paradise by the sea, I will give myself a shake and get me some eggs. Or steak.

I already ran away from home. I ran here, because I love Nova Scotia. I love the sea, I love the people, I adore the way teenagers here say hello to you as they walk along the sidewalk, even if they have to speak through multiple piercings. I love the small view, the lack of self-important mindset. I can be myself here in a way I probably couldn’t be anywhere else, and everyone just puts up with me because that’s the type of people who live here. When I do my “yes/no” list of whether to move or stay here, yes ALWAYS wins.

Time to shake off these winter blues and get back to creative endeavours!! Creative cheap endeavours. You see, I’m still paying off the past winters’ foolishnesses….

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2 thoughts on “On winter, seasonal affective disorder, and lack of self-perception

  1. By gosh I think she’s got it. Until we truly know ourselves, warts and all, everything else is mostly useless knowledge.

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